Hello random internet browser. Thanks for taking the time to visit this electronical look into my life. I'd like to believe said life is filled with enough compelling subject matter to earn your habitual visitation. If not, I'll consider sporadic embellishment. I anticipate the majority of my blogs to be concerned with: 1. My recent journey into fatherhood; 2. My bipolar job in advertising; 3. My second life as a wannabe rock star.

As a courtesy to newcomers, the following is a completed Personality Disorder Test. It should bring you up to speed on all things Steve.

Personality Disorder Test

What sex are you?
True.

Do you believe you have more difficulty with relationships than the average person your age?
We should probably first define the average person my age, don't you think, butthole! Er, wait.

Do you have difficulty trusting people?
Why do you want to know?

Do you tend to avoid social relationships?
I've started an internet blog, haven't I?

Do you prefer to be alone rather than in the company of others?
Is this one of those trick perverted questions usually asked by older high schooler kids to mock the young freshmen in front of a mass group of people? Not like I was ever the butt of one of these questions or anything.

Do you feel a yearning for acceptance among your peers?
Not so much a yearning. More of a hankering.

Do you have a difficult time relating to others?
Yes. Especially elderly Asian women.

Do you believe you have special extrasensory abilities (ability to "sense" a person's presence, for example)?
Extra wha?

Do you often find that your emotions are inappropriate for a given situation?
Nearly always, sadly.

Are you plagued by suspicions that other people, including loved ones, may be doing things behind your back that will end up hurting you?
Like holding a knife high above their head in the ever-so-popular "stab you in the shower" pose? Umm, not really.

Do others see you as being cold and distant?
Only when I visit the Northern most corner of Alaska. (Oh come on, that one was clever).

Do you find it hard to concentrate on one thing for a long time?
Hey, I'm hungry. Anyone know where I can get a good sandwich?

Is your appearance or behavior considered "eccentric" by other people?
If by eccentric, you mean "bald" then yes.

Have other people accused you of being cruel to animals or people?
Just a group of empowered youth who were picketing a leather store downtown last year.

Do you take actions without thinking about the consequences?
I'm not wearing any pants. Crap, I shouldn't have typed that.

Do you consider your needs to be more important to you than the needs of others?
Depends. I mean, let's say I was legally dead and the only thing that could possibly save my life would be the electro shock of some defibrillator paddles. Now let's say another person in the room was in need of a paperclip. In this particular scenario, yes, I would consider my needs to be more important.

Do your moods fluctuate a lot?
That's an interesting question. Why don't you put it in your butt! I wish the entire world could see the sadness in my heart. We are all but butterflies in God's little garden of herbs.

Do you always feel the need to have a story to tell?
Ahem. Blog?

Have you ever been in jail or done something that you could be put in jail for?
Sadly, yes. I grew up in Idaho and one wintery night a couple friends and I thought running around and kicking over snowmen would be a fun way to revel in our teenage years. Before I knew it I was handcuffed to a chair in the county jail. I was told my father had been called and that he could hardly contain his anger. I thought this a tad odd, since I'd never heard my father even raise his voice. When he showed up, I'll admit he was a little perturbed. Luckily, not at me, however. I remember him scowling at the police officer and asking, "What did he commit? Frosticide?" Point: Dad.

Do other people accuse you of being self-centered?
Why would they? I'm totally awesome and cooler than anyone.

Do you often second-guess yourself?
Sometimes. Well, actually never.

Do you find yourself exaggerating your achievements to win the respect of others?
Yes, but in doing so I have literally made hundreds of thousands of friends. All of which think I'm absolutely great.

Do you frequently alternate between feelings of high self-worth and self-disappointment?
Generally, no. I mean, I'm a pretty quality individual. Sometimes I completely suck though. But usually I'm the awesome.

Do you tend to lie a lot?
No, because I always cross my fingers behind my back, thus counteracting the hell and damnation that usually results in telling lies.

Do you often feel uncomfortable in social situations?
Ahem. Blog?

Does your concern for doing everything "right" interfere with your productivity?
Well, I've spent probably an hour making sure I've spelled everything in this blog correctly.

Do you have trouble not taking criticism personally?
Not when the criticism is about someone/thing else.

Do you feel the need to always be in a relationship?
Well, I'm married and that sorta comes with the territory. So yeah.

Are you quiet in social situations, often out of fear of saying something stupid?
Sadly, quite the opposite.

Have others accused you of being arrogant?
Only people who aren't as awesome as I am.

Are you very concerned with your appearance and how others perceive you?
I'm married and bald. I gave up on that a long time ago.

Do you engage in any obsessive or compulsive behavior?
Wait, isn't that bedroom talk?

Well, there you have it. If you didn't know me before, you certainly know everything there is to know about me now. I shall now conclude my introductory blog and begin my commute home. Besides, I just received a phone call from my wife explaining that our 15-month old daughter decided to "crap in the tub!" And it begins...