Sunday, November 19, 2006

The apple never falls far from the tree.

Now I know what you're thinking - "Hey, if Steve's Father-in-Law, Keith, is such a nutcase, how come his daughter is so normal?" Normal, you say? I guess that really depends on your definition of the word. Over the six and a half years that I have been married to Keith's daughter, I have come to know more similarities between the two than not. The following are a few of my favorite Random Hailey practices. Abnormalities if you will.

Now first of all, let me explain that my wife is virtually incapable of saying anything bad about another person. In fact, her version of trash talk would most likely be received as a compliment.

The Phone Check is when Hailey and I are talking (usually while driving in the car) and she begins to say something about someone. Before she says anything, she stops herself and asks me to check my phone. Check your phone? Yes, check my phone. You see, in her mind is it actually plausible that while talking about one of her old friends from high school that my cell phone could somehow dial up said person's phone number from within my pocket. Then, once said person answers, they would quickly discover that their ears were burning and the whole wide world would fall to pieces. You laugh, but I have to retrieve my phone from my pocket and prove to her that the keys are locked several times a week.

Modern-day technology has really made life easier, especially for those of us who care to pay attention to it. Meanwhile, Hailey is still plungin' ahead like it's 1984. Take today, for example. The kind folks who make pre-bagged salad really try to make their product more consumer friendly, so they include a handy resealable bag function. If only she knew.

The majority of modern society is contempt with one or two good tugs of a door to ensure that it's locked. Not Hailey. She has to give that door at least ten pulls before she'll walk away confident that the insides are safe from intruders. I haven't had to experience this particular abnormality as much since she stopped managing the bebe store downtown. When she did, however, it was not uncommon for me to have to get out of the car (in the freezing snow no less) and give the doors adequate tugs to prove to her that they were, in fact, locked. The funniest part about this particular story is that she actually broke one of the doors from tugging so hard. Well, it was locked.

Now, I can completely understand someone being startled from near-sleep with the thought that they left the oven on. This makes sense especially if they used the oven previously that day. In Hailey's case, it doesn't matter if the oven has been used that day, that week, or if it's even plugged in. Nearly every night, I'll be falling asleep when she'll roll over and initiate the following convo:

Hailey: Peach, is the oven on?

Me (Peach): No.

Hailey: Are you sure?

Me (Peach): Yes.

Hailey: How do you know?

Me (Peach): Because we didn't even use it today.

Hailey: Go check.

Me (Peach): Are you serious?

Hailey: Yes.

Me (Peach): Seriously, it's not on. Just go to sleep.

At this point, she'll usually lie there for a moment. I can literally feel the tension in her mind eating away at her. Finally, once she can no longer take the agony, she'll slip out of bed and run downstairs to check the oven. She'll even try to sneak back into bed without me noticing so she can avoid the "I told you so" that will assuredly follow.

But then again, I'm bald.


Anonymous Julia said...

I Heart Hailey!

9:21 AM

Anonymous julia said...

and...perhaps the best evidence of her similarity to her dad is that she married YOU! ;-)

9:25 AM

Blogger :: STEVE :: said...

hahah, WELL played. Well played indeed.

12:17 PM

Blogger more caffeine, please said...

You need more odes to Hailey because she's the best. Like, for instance, she and I riding on a chair lift up the Brighton mountainside, talking about our then district manager. Hailey's tone creeps to a whisper... she begins looking around... at the blizzard encompassing us, making sure said manager doesn't happen to be on the chair lift 20 feet in front of us or behing us. Or in Utah, for that matter as she did live two states away...

9:37 PM

Blogger Cardine said...

One time I drove home from church to check to make sure I had unplugged the iron. My iron has an automatic shut-off, but I was still worried for some reason.

1:29 PM

Blogger ~j. said...

I totally understand the lock check and the oven check. What I don't understand is where number 3 is on your list.

5:22 PM

Blogger :: STEVE :: said...

Oh SNAP! :)

That's it, I'm editing that.

7:27 PM

Blogger AzĂșcar said...

I say Hailey is brilliant. Here's why: I was in the bathroom getting ready for work one morning when I heard it. Click-click


...the iron was ON.

The iron I hadn't used in TWO weeks.

It was next to a pile of clothes and other flammable items.

All I can conclude is that number one son decided to plug it in at some point. Now that you have little B running around it is perfectly reasonable to assume that #3 and #4 are necessary engagements because who knows what could have happened?

6:59 PM


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