Monday, January 02, 2006

Hello 2006.

First of all, my condolences go out to the cashiers of the world. For the next few weeks, they will play subject to the following conversation.

CUSTOMER: Oh my! I accidentally wrote 2005 on my check.

CASHIER: Oh.

CUSTOMER: I can't believe it's already 2006.

CASHIER: Yeah.

CUSTOMER: What happened to 2005? *light chortle*

CASHIER: *charity chortle*

Fortunately, I can shed some light on an otherwise infernal conundrum. I have developed a system that once applied, will bring peace to both customer and cashier. I call it the Line-A-Nator.


PROBLEM
Financial advisors, professionals, and scientists recommend the use of ink as opposed to graphite when filling out a check, (or cheque if you wear fancy shoes). The reason for this is that graphite can be erased with relative ease and thus makes for effortless alteration. Ink, however, is permanent and thereby thwarts potential tampering. But what happens when you accidentally write the wrong date, specifically the year? Is the check wasted? Is it no good? Is it to receive the dreaded four capital letters written aggressively (and usually with a slight diagonal) across it? Thanks to the Line-A-Nator, not anymore.

EXHIBIT A


Waste not that chegue (I'm wearing fancy shoes). Thanks to my one-step program, that form of currency does not have to be forfeited. By simply adding a vertical stroke to the lower left side of the five, you create the appearance of a six.

EXHIBIT B


As you can see, like a harbinger of peace, the Line-A-Nator has cuddled the problem like a frightened child and soothed it to a blissful slumber. Now, make no mistake about it. I did not develop the Line-A-Nator for commercialization. And I'm not about to exploit its market value. No, in fact, this intellectual property is yours to keep, for free. Use it now and you'll also receive a lack of embarrassment, at no extra cost. Also, if you act fast, you'll receive the VibraComb - a stimulating way to style your hair. Offer good while supplies last. *Note: Supplies did not last.

That's a total value of a probably, like a billion dollars.

7 Comments:

Blogger ~j. said...

Once again, your brilliance both fascinates and intrigues me.

9:49 AM

 
Blogger c jane said...

Who writes cheques anymore? That is so 1995!

10:51 AM

 
Blogger Steve said...

Women do. In grocery stores. For milk. That's all. Just milk. $2.49. Cheque.

8:31 PM

 
Blogger :: STEVE :: said...

You guys are missing the point, which is the mind-blowing power of the Line-A-Nator.

9:33 PM

 
Blogger ~j. said...

Why, I used this very tool just today. Thank you, THANK you, Line-A-Nator.

10:57 PM

 
Blogger more caffeine, please said...

I love that you wrote this with your wife in mind. You must have. Where were you when she drove me through the Java Hut on 1st Avenue for a Chai only to mess up on her check, resulting in us leaving the Java Hut, retreiving MY wallet, redoing the drive through, scraping my rear view mirror on the order-window ledge? Sheeese!

11:13 PM

 
Anonymous Rufus B. Scallywag said...

Mr. Steve,
My office represents the Line-o-matic corporation, the patent holder of the world famous line-o-matic previously known as oopsy-doesit and also sold in South America under the catchy title of No-Problemo-hombre. My client's fifty years in the instant correction of date related accidents has only been challenged on one other occasion, and that was a mix up with the Duramed corporation's Levonorgestrel patent, which for obvious reasons was unfounded.
We ask you to cease and desist your advertising of Line-A-Nator as said product is an obvious rip off of our client's idea, patent, and idea. Our clients feel you are impeding on their territory and are prepared to sue.
Don't make us pull out the big guns and put them in your butt, Mr. Steve. Do the right thing.

Yours,

Rufus B. Scallywag
2nd tier partner
Leaver, Hyman & Tact LLC

3:41 PM

 

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