Friday, January 27, 2006

It has often been said that a suit is just a suit until it's been put into action.

I decided to take this time-honored mantra to heart by road testing the suit at work. In doing so I found myself constantly surprised by its level of versatility. It quickly became an appropriate combination of fashion and function. The best of both worlds. Any task I put before it, it politely mocked and then conquered with relative ease.

TASK A. >> POP TART PREPARATION
Most vestments would approach the job of toasting pop tarts with much discretion. The combination of crust-encased molten puree and sprinkle kissed frosting spells disaster more often than not. The suit waverethed not. Sans hesitation, it toasted each pastry to a desired consumption temperature. And as if this wasn't enough, it even managed to pour a co-worked a friendly cup of coffee whilst mid toast. Impressive.



TASK B. >> DOCUMENT REPRODUCTION
Copying. One of corporate America's unseasonable pastimes. Traditionally, said activity is appointed with such descriptors as boring, mundane, and monotonous. Not to the suit. With a sense of positivity unlike anything I've ever seen, the suit took to the task. Much like the multiplying of bread and fishes, the suit took a single document and turned it into 20 at the flick of a button. It then commanded the sea of onlooking co-workers to part as we delivered the holy documents to the boardroom.



TASK C. >> HANDLING THE FINANCES
One should not be surprised by the correlation of fine attire and wealth. The suit took my meager Wells Fargo checking account and turned it into a extensive portfolio of currency in the form of stocks, bonds, and other governmental monies. At this point, it would be very difficult to say just how much I'm worth. Suffice it to say, a lot.



TASK D. >> LIFE OF THE PARTY
Just because it's a suit, doesn't mean it's strictly business. The Tiawanese Dream proved that today by double fisting two bottles of grape sparkling cider and saying, "Let's get this party started right? Let's get this party started quickly, right?"



TASK E. >> PUTTING ON THE GAME FACE
The creative review process is one filled with anxiety, emotions, and excitment. Typically, my critique and direction is met with laughter and weiner jokes. The suit isn't typical. One of my art directors, Spennywhistle came to me with a project he'd been working on for months. While presenting he said, "Steve, this is probably the best ad I've ever done, don't you think?" The suit replied, "Don't you mean, the worst?" leaving poor Spenny in a state of sorrow.



TASK D. >> GETTING MY BLOG ON
I was amazed at the multifaceted suit. Everything from traditional office chores, to the much more complex nature of physical punishment and breakdancing - all easily handled by the suit. But I certainly didn't expect it to handle blogging. It caressed the keyboard much like a seducer of maidens. Words poured from its silken majesty. It blogged like I've never blogged before. The wit, the charm, the suspense - all wrapped in a whirlwind of emotions and dreams.



Yes my friends, today was a good day. The suit was put to the test, and my every expectation was surpassed. From this moment on, I am not merely Steve. I am not just another person on a busy street. I am not a small fish in a big pond. I am not a silent passer by, begging for life's upper hand. No, my friends. From this moment on. I am...

The suit.

8 Comments:

Blogger +spencer+ said...

i will try to do better

3:04 PM

 
Blogger The Scientist said...

The most amazing thing about the suit is how it made the alphabet use the letter "D" TWICE! Eff F, lets use the double ducking D from now on!

And dor the record, I thought that spence did a dantastic job on his work. He gets an A dor eddort in my book.

12:25 AM

 
Blogger +spencer+ said...

ha ha! total zinger.

12:34 PM

 
Blogger Alice said...

You blog at work? *tsk* *tsk*... ;)

4:51 PM

 
Blogger Queen Scarlett said...

So here's my question - where do you find out about suits like that? Is there a site?

Cuanto cuesta el magnifico suito? ... what happens to Spanish when you're also chinglish

6:38 PM

 
Blogger :: STEVE :: said...

I found out about this whole thing through my friend, Jamie. At the time, I stood on the outside of the circle of trust. But she stretched out her hand and brought me in. Now I am on the inside. And now it is I who will bring others in. Scarlett, can I interest you in the suit of your dreams?

7:08 PM

 
Blogger Queen Scarlett said...

Yes please Focker. I can only imagine that that would be your role if Jamie is De Niro.

Would make a nice V-day gift for my hubby.

So... is there a secret handshake laced with a 20?

10:00 PM

 
Anonymous Deus Ex said...

Haven't swung by for a while, but when I did I was lucky enough to find this GEM of a post. Thanks for making me laugh Steve!

1:51 PM

 

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