Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Forgive me, bloggers, for I have slacked.

Make no mistake about it. I have a clear understanding of the commitment one makes when establishing an interweb blog portal homepage on the net highway. I fully realize said commitment includes the responsibility to keep one's blog current. If a person goes for weeks on end without an update, they should not be surprised when their neglect sparks fits of retaliation from his/her readers. A relationship based on love and praise will quickly turn into a bloodbath of malice and violence. And throat punches. In the face.

Now, I wish not for bodily harm to be situated upon my feeble frame. It is for this reason that I offer this sincere, heart-felt apology. To illustrate my sincerity, I've provided the following list of life-lessons I've learned over the past couple of weeks. They are yours, at no extra cost.

- While moving into a new house can be exciting, it can also suck goats.

- Trying to paint the majority of the interior of a new house in one night with only three people is impossible.

- Getting stung by a hornet while carrying a very heavy gas grill has unpleasant results.

- Deciding to take down a hornet nest with a broom is stupider than ten stupid things.

- Spraying hornet killer from a good 20 feet away can give a stung man a much-needed sense of retaliation.

- Verbally taunting the nest as you spray it adds a sense of accomplishment.

- Hearing dead hornet carcasses fall from their nest and hit the hard wood of the deck is the sweetest music known to man.

- Realizing there is another, larger nest under the deck can defeat a man.

- Getting stung again, this time on the arm, has unpleasant results.

- A larger yard = more mowing time. Unpleasant results.

- Wearing the same outfit (yes, including undies) for three days straight because all of your other clothes are in boxes somewhere has unpleasant results.

- Trax = good people watching, not to mention a nice way to get to and from work.

- Hairs woven into carpets are just hairs, unless they are someone else's. Then they are unpleasant results.

- Installing crown molding is a lot more difficult than it looks.

- Beware, lest your eyes deceive you. What appears to be a 90 degree angle is not.

- The lady at home depot pronounces the word, "caulk" in a very provocative way. Uncomfortable results.

- Getting three months of Comcast On-Demand when you've been used to having five channels can cause sensory overload.

- Ice makers in fridges have pleasant results.

- Having a shower sans kid toys in it is a privilege and should never be taken for granted.

- It is very difficult not to snicker when telling friends to turn off Johnson Way onto Nutwood Circle and you'll find the Babcock residence.

11 Comments:

Anonymous gb said...

Deciding to take down a hornet nest with a broom is stupider than ten stupid things.

jeez, steve... didn't you ever see that united healthcare commercial? Two guys, a ladder, a garbage can and a broom... and a bunch of angry hornets.

4:44 PM

 
Blogger Dan and Serenity Johnson said...

you don't know me. i am dan johnson's wife. you may know him better as 'big dan'/theradnad. this entire post was ridiculously hilarious. thank you for being ridiculously hilarious.

8:13 AM

 
Blogger Spinch said...

There are few things more satisfying than taunting hornets as you douse their nests in liquid death from 15 to 20 feet away.

Until you run out of insecticide and realize that you've missed three nests.

8:19 AM

 
Anonymous darthnick said...

wow, sounds like crazy stuff

9:55 AM

 
Blogger +spencer+ said...

i believe you have to turn ON johnson.

11:18 AM

 
Blogger more caffeine, please said...

You perv. I've turned on said streets many a time so far and I've yet to think such thoughts. But now I'm kind of excited to drive back over tomorrow.

2:57 PM

 
Blogger AzĂșcar said...

I snickered.

4:18 PM

 
Blogger Bek said...

AWESOME!!

I am not sure which I am more sorry about, the hornets or the painting........

5:17 PM

 
Blogger ~j. said...

Though it wasn't mentioned, I'm pretty sure that moving when about to give birth also sucks goats.

7:52 AM

 
Blogger ~j. said...

(that is, moving into a new house, or just moving in general.)

7:53 AM

 
Blogger Steve said...

"Wearing the same outfit (yes, including undies) for three days straight because all of your other clothes are in boxes somewhere has unpleasant results."

Haha, being a college student I do this on a regular basis. Unlike yourself, not out of necessity, but to save a few dollars a week on laundry.

12:15 PM

 

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