Planet RAW.

Last week I flew to Los Angeles to make some more TV commercials. I was a bit hesitant this time due to my new dietary constraints. Not being able to ingest gluten or dairy makes it extremely difficult to find food at home, let alone on the road. Hailey assured me that I would be able to find options because, "after all, it's Santa Monica." I figured she probably had a point. So off I went.

During one of my first days here I was informed by a Production Assistant of a restaurant right in Santa Monica (within walking distance of my hotel actually) that served nothing but gluten and dairy free items. Imagine my joy upon hearing this news. I was totally saved. I could just grab my food from there every day. And because it's an entire restaurant full of food I can eat, I could surely mix it up and create great variety. "This is gonna be great!" I said to myself repeatedly. The menu items looked great. Pesto Pizza. Lasagna. Western Double Bacon Burger. Chocolate shakes. Vanilla shakes.

It was as though I had found heaven. Gluten and dairy free heaven.

Well, today I ventured down to have me a hearty helping of said heaven. With a smile ear-to-ear, I walked in and asked for a to-go menu. I quickly settled on a Western Double Bacon Burger with a side of fries and a Vanilla shake. Now that's what I'm talking about!

The pale, skinny waitress with the sleeve tattoos smiled (revealing more tattoos inside her lips) and offered me a seat at the bar while my delicious order was being made. From this vantage point, I confidently smiled and surveyed the establishment. It wasn't until this exact moment that a spark of doubt entered my soul. Wait a minute. Something is amiss here. This place is filled with the most eclectic looking hippies I've ever seen, and I live in Boulder, the hippie capitol of the world. These hippies don't eat bacon cheeseburgers and milkshakes.

Hmm.

SUDDENLY a burst of warm breath entered my ear. I turned my head to see that a wiry zen girl had taken a seat right next to me (very, very, very close to me) and decided to sing to me. Yes. Sing to me. In a restaurant full of people. Just up and starting singing. Right into my ear. I mean, that's totally normal. Between moments of settled panic, I noticed the singing was a cross between something you'd hear at Lilith Fair and some Tibetan Monk chant. I quickly turned my head forward and just stared at the wall pretending that I hadn't noticed her. She just kept on singing.

As I turned back around, a tall, tan surfer looking guy handed me some form and insisted that I sign. As I failed to gather my wits, I offered up my signature. Later, I discovered that I had just helped save the Amazon.

Please keep in mind that I am not making this up. I really wish I were. But I'm not. But then again, it wasn't all bad, right Steve? I mean, soon you were going to walk out of that place holding a gluten and dairy free bacon burger and vanilla shake, right?

Right?

Now, I'm not exactly sure how to even describe the items that were placed before me. In fact, I won't. I'll let them speak for themselves. So, without any further adieu, I present to you the Double Western Bacon Burger. The side of fries. And the Vanilla Shake.


Yes, there are flower petals in there.


Even the fries had flowers in them. And bright yellow stuff. Lots and lots of bright yellow stuff.


Despite my combination of surprise and mortification, I decided to be a trooper. After all, Hailey has always told me my life could use some more adventure. Well, if this wasn't adventure, I don't know what is.


Oddly enough, the french fries tasted like seaweed. With a dash of dirt.


They say a man who can admit defeat is a man indeed. Well, sign me up. I done got whooped.