Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Well, this ought to be fun.

Folks, the time has come for Steve Happens to do what all men are encouraged to have done - get a Colonoscopy. I would simply like to warn my sensitive readers that the next few posts will undoubtedly dabble in subject matter consistent with this venture. For those of you who are adverse to such material, I've provided a helpful, informative, and cautionary itinerary.

Today is the fast.

Tonight is the cleanse.

Tomorrow morning is the scope.

Tomorrow afternoon is the woozies.

Tomorrow night is the weird walk.

I have begun the cleanse process. The kind folks at the Trilyte company gave me the choice of five delicious flavor packs. How sweet of them. After much debate, I finally settled on Citrus Berry.

Unfortunately, I've been duped. Citrus Berry doesn't taste like citrus or berry, let alone a delectable combination of the two. Instead, it tastes like rotten death. But, in all fairness, I can see why they didn't go with Rotten Death as the name. The cute cartoony image on the front of the pack would've been difficult to illustrate.

Discouragement quickly settled in as I realized just how repulsive the formula really is and just how much of it I have left to drink. I have to drink at least eight ounces every ten minutes until the entire gallon is gone.

Hailey just informed me that my breath is less than desirable.

UPDATE: 8:02
Hailey made up for her insensitivity by purchasing me some Charmin Plus. She may have a husband with bad breath (from fasting all day), but she certainly won't stand for a husband with chaffing downstairs.

Pearl Harbor is on TV right now. Josh Hartnett was just shot down by the Japanese. He is dying in Ben Affleck's arms. Strangely, I can relate. I know exactly what Ben is going through right now.

Bon Jovi said it best. "Whoa oh, we're half way there. Whoa oh, we're living on a prayer. Take my hand. We'll make it, I swear. Whoa oh. We're living on a prayer. Living on a prayer."

I feel like Bon Jovi himself is singing directly to me. He knows what I'm going through and his lyrics are going to get me through this and see me through to the very end. Thanks, Bon!

C'mon Bon. Carry me through this. I'm hitting the wall.

And in the end, only one was left standing. Only one walked out of the ring.


Anonymous jenn said...

you know this is going to completely suck, right?

oh, wait, i'm sure it won't be that bad.

4:51 PM

Blogger oh snap said...

Wow, that blows. No, I mean it'll be better when you're on the backend of all of this. Erm.. I mean, Good Luck on getting through this. We're all rootin' for ya.

8:57 PM

Blogger More Caffiene, Please said...

Are you sure this doesn't suck worse than that really friendly appointment with Bishop Cole?

9:06 PM

Blogger kristican said...

real men survive the gallon of "fun."

just keep reminding yourself it'll all be over in a few hours. :)

8:32 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"And in the end, only one was left standing. Only one walked out of the ring."

It was the Trilyte, wasn't it?

9:04 AM


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