Have you ever sauntered into your place of employment thinking to yourself, "You know, I would really like to duct tape a guy to a light pole today."

If you're anything like me, you certainly have. And fortunately for me, today that dream was realized. Early this morning I found myself uncomfortably close to the groinal region of a portly fellow fashioned in a sweat suit of royal blue persuasion. With the help of a small production crew, we secured said portly to a light pole by way of three rolls of duct tape. Once the final strip was put into place the moment of truth arrived. Slowly, we removed the bucket he was standing on for support. The small crowd of homeless people mingled with concerned working mothers sporting cross trainers for their lunch break power walk stood on pins and needles.

The city fell silent. Testing gravity, he wiggled his feet.

It worked!

Our protagonist, while gasping for air, hung securely.

A random woman with ankles the size of mini vans let out a small applause as she heaved herself up onto a bus.

Once hung, our small version of Gallagher instantly became the centerpiece of attention for confused onlookers with camera phones. Meter maids phoned for back up. Cars circled the parameter. Neighboring office buildings spilled out onto sidewalks as though following fire drill protocol.

I couldn't help but feel a sense of satisfaction.

Another thing checked off my list of things I must do in this life.


Please enjoy the following complimentary photo montage coupled with informative captions.

The Pep Talk
"Now trust me. I've done this a million times. You'll be fine. And yes, that harness we just fashioned out of duct tape will easily support your weight. How's that feeling by the way?"


The Pep Talk Continued
"No seriously, they are just checking the pole for any defects that could prove detrimental. We engage all saftey precautions. The well being of our crew is always job one."


The Doubting Thomas
"You really think this is going to work? I don't know man, I don't think this is going to hold." "Trust me, she'll hold."


The David Copperfield
"Look closely folks. No fishing line, no hooks. Just tape."


The Aggro Taper Pose
"Hey Jennifer. Take a picture of me like this! It'll be so awesome" *click* "Let me see it. Did it turn out awesome?"


The Bonding Moment
"You know John. I really feel close to you now. I'm glad we had this time together." "I can't breathe."


The Dismount
"Careful now. Spencer, how are you coming with cutting the tape? Chad, put your hands on his breasts. No seriously."


The Harassment Suit
"Okay Chad. That's enough."