Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
The apple never falls far from the tree.
Now I know what you're thinking - "Hey, if Steve's Father-in-Law, Keith, is such a nutcase, how come his daughter is so normal?" Normal, you say? I guess that really depends on your definition of the word. Over the six and a half years that I have been married to Keith's daughter, I have come to know more similarities between the two than not. The following are a few of my favorite Random Hailey practices. Abnormalities if you will.
1. THE PHONE CHECK
Now first of all, let me explain that my wife is virtually incapable of saying anything bad about another person. In fact, her version of trash talk would most likely be received as a compliment.
The Phone Check is when Hailey and I are talking (usually while driving in the car) and she begins to say something about someone. Before she says anything, she stops herself and asks me to check my phone. Check your phone? Yes, check my phone. You see, in her mind is it actually plausible that while talking about one of her old friends from high school that my cell phone could somehow dial up said person's phone number from within my pocket. Then, once said person answers, they would quickly discover that their ears were burning and the whole wide world would fall to pieces. You laugh, but I have to retrieve my phone from my pocket and prove to her that the keys are locked several times a week.
2. ACT FIRST, LOOK LATER
Modern-day technology has really made life easier, especially for those of us who care to pay attention to it. Meanwhile, Hailey is still plungin' ahead like it's 1984. Take today, for example. The kind folks who make pre-bagged salad really try to make their product more consumer friendly, so they include a handy resealable bag function. If only she knew.
3. THE MAKE-SURE-IT'S-LOCKED LOCK
The majority of modern society is contempt with one or two good tugs of a door to ensure that it's locked. Not Hailey. She has to give that door at least ten pulls before she'll walk away confident that the insides are safe from intruders. I haven't had to experience this particular abnormality as much since she stopped managing the bebe store downtown. When she did, however, it was not uncommon for me to have to get out of the car (in the freezing snow no less) and give the doors adequate tugs to prove to her that they were, in fact, locked. The funniest part about this particular story is that she actually broke one of the doors from tugging so hard. Well, it was locked.
4. THE OVEN CHECK
Now, I can completely understand someone being startled from near-sleep with the thought that they left the oven on. This makes sense especially if they used the oven previously that day. In Hailey's case, it doesn't matter if the oven has been used that day, that week, or if it's even plugged in. Nearly every night, I'll be falling asleep when she'll roll over and initiate the following convo:
Hailey: Peach, is the oven on?
Me (Peach): No.
Hailey: Are you sure?
Me (Peach): Yes.
Hailey: How do you know?
Me (Peach): Because we didn't even use it today.
Hailey: Go check.
Me (Peach): Are you serious?
Me (Peach): Seriously, it's not on. Just go to sleep.
At this point, she'll usually lie there for a moment. I can literally feel the tension in her mind eating away at her. Finally, once she can no longer take the agony, she'll slip out of bed and run downstairs to check the oven. She'll even try to sneak back into bed without me noticing so she can avoid the "I told you so" that will assuredly follow.
But then again, I'm bald.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Seldom are the times you find something so mind-bogglingly awesome that modern vocabulary simply cannot be used to describe it.
This is one of those times.
I told you it was bogglingly.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Whatever happened to the days of the mix tape?
It seems that while technology has revolutionized the music business, one small (yet crucial) detail has been left in the dust - the mix tape. A simple concoction of music carefully arranged on a blank Maxell used to be the most sincere form of endearment. Interested in a girl? Mix tape. Breaking up with a girl? Mix tape. Interested in a girl that you're breaking up with? Mix tape. There simply wasn't a life scenario that couldn't be improved upon by two sides of 90-minute, monaural audio tape.
Well, here at SteveHappens, we're not about to let the mix tape go without a fight. So we've put up our dukes by making all y'all a mix tape. Sure, it's in the form of several mp3s collected in a .zip file, but I'll be Jean-Claude Van Dammed if it's not the same thing. Simply click on the link below to download the .zip file. Then, pour yourself something warm, sit back, relax, and soak in the sweet nothings.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
You just have to admire the innocence of a child.
The other day I was driving in the car with my two-year-old daughter, Berlin, in the back. Suddenly, an advertisement for the Blue Boutique (a risque novelty and lingerie shop) came on the radio. It was a spot focusing on their Halloween costume selection. Using a very provocativee tone, the female announcer asked the question, "What are you going to be for Halloween? A naughty nurse? A sexy schoolgirl? A dominatrix..."
Suddenly, Berlin chimed in from the back seat, enthusiastically, "I'm going to be a witch!"
PS: Big shout out to Baby James for throwing down the recycled pea pod costume.