Friday, September 30, 2005

Let's take a minute to talk about poo.

Now, I would consider myself a grown man, and in all my years of existence I've only really known of one socially acceptable place to deposit human excrement - the commode. Having said that, follow me to last night. For those of you who don't know, I have a little daughter named, Berlin. She is the cutest little stinker I've ever seen. Recently, however, she's been going through what our pediatrician calls, "Toddler Diarrhea." Sounds pleasant, doesn't it?

So last night I was giving her a bath. All of a sudden she looked up at me, got a concentrated/determined look in her eye and started grunting. My heart sank. It was the poo look. Doing what any good husband/father would, I quickly yelled for Mommy. But it was too late.

Tub poo.

I sounded the alarm and began evacuation measures. I picked up Berlin and set her on the bathroom floor. Baby instincts kicked in and she took off screaming, limbs akimbo, down the hallway and out into the living room, buck nakie. I tried to save every tub toy I could. Sadly, there were casualties.

I then retrieved some rubber gloves from the closet (that I rightfully stole from the LDS Hospital birthing suite 15 months ago) and, with my dignity completely in check, fished out the feci (I believe that's plural for feces). Once that was done, we poo bombed the whole place with some high-powered disinfectant. Meanwhile, Berlin was none the wiser, flinging peach chunks all over the kitchen.

It is with this story in mind that I'd like to officially change the cliche saying of, "A baby changes everything" to "A baby changes everything unless you commonly poo in your tub, in which case, a baby only changes a few things."

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I've received a few e-mails regarding yesterday's "Ghetto Trailer" story, so I thought I would continue said story this morning. After a rather lengthy conversation with the irate trailer woman, she finally agreed to my solution of swapping out "Ghetto" for one of the other words used in the campaign. In all her rage, she said, "Sure fine. Whatever, just get this one down today!" I bit my tongue and told her I would do everything I could. And by that, I clearly meant that I would hang up the phone, go get some lunch, take a nice stroll through the park, do some work, play Call of Duty online for a few hours, read War and Peace, and then make a call to the billbaord company. The result?

I almost feel sorry for the woman now.

While on the subject of this billboard campaign, I received a call yesterday that left me simply amazed. The phone rings and the following convo takes place:

ME: Hi, this is Steve.

LADY: Hi, I'm wondering how much it would cost to put a bunch of billboards up that say nice, positive words.

ME: Well, I guess that depends...

LADY: Would you guys be cheaper than Reagan?

ME: We're not a billboard company. In fact, we're the advertising agency that did the campaign that I believe you're trying to counteract.


ME: Yeah. But I can tell you that it'll cost you upwards of $200,000.

LADY: So you are responsible for those billboards?

ME: Yes, and trust me, it would be a big mistake to put up the boards you intend to. Just be patient and you'll see this whole thing has a great (and positive) ending.

LADY: Oh great. You see, I run an organization called Mothers for PR, that's Positive Reinforcement. We're just so concerned about these negative billboards. I mean, what if someone was really suicidal and was driving around and saw a billboard that says, "Loser?" He'd probably pull over and shoot himself.

ME: Umm, okay.

LADY: Also, I own a dog washing business called, Dirty Johnson.

ME: *Coughs*

LADY: It's kind of a sex joke, too. *Giggles*

ME: *Awkward silence*

LADY: Anyway, it's not doing too well and there is one of your billboards right over it that says, "Failure."

ME: Excuse me, did you say Dirty Johnson?

Of course, I had to investigate and sure enough, there it was. Gee, you named your business, Dirty Johnson and you wonder why it's failing?

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

If you live in Utah, odds are you've seen my latest billboard campaign. In fact, you may have even seen it in the news. It's being termed "controversial" and "provacative." Basically, it's an awareness tease/reveal campaign for a peer-to-peer mentoring program for Jr. High kids facing a variety of life challenges. In short, it's a very worthwhile organization. The client is absolutely great, as they've stuck to their guns through this media debacle regarding the billboards in question. In a nutshell, the campaign showcases certain labels which are common in most Jr. Highs throughout America. These labels aren't pleasant, but that's the point. The intention was to post these words on billboards to make people uncomfortable, and ultimately to earn their interest in the program, once it is revealed.

Now, I could write a book on all the calls I've received since this campaign launched. One in particular made me laugh.

So, I'm sitting there at my desk when I get a phone call. I pick up, and the following conversation happens:

Me: Hi, this is Steve.

Angry Lady: Yes, I'm calling because you put a billboard that says, "Ghetto" on top of my trailor.

Me: *Trying to keep Hawaiian Punch from coming out my nose*

Angry Lady: And I want it removed immediately or else I'll get my neighbors to file a class action lawsuit.

Me: Ma'am, I can assure you, the billboard is not, in fact, on your trailor.

The conversation continued, and I eventually investigated. I stood corrected.

Hello random internet browser. Thanks for taking the time to visit this electronical look into my life. I'd like to believe said life is filled with enough compelling subject matter to earn your habitual visitation. If not, I'll consider sporadic embellishment. I anticipate the majority of my blogs to be concerned with: 1. My recent journey into fatherhood; 2. My bipolar job in advertising; 3. My second life as a wannabe rock star.

As a courtesy to newcomers, the following is a completed Personality Disorder Test. It should bring you up to speed on all things Steve.

Personality Disorder Test

What sex are you?

Do you believe you have more difficulty with relationships than the average person your age?
We should probably first define the average person my age, don't you think, butthole! Er, wait.

Do you have difficulty trusting people?
Why do you want to know?

Do you tend to avoid social relationships?
I've started an internet blog, haven't I?

Do you prefer to be alone rather than in the company of others?
Is this one of those trick perverted questions usually asked by older high schooler kids to mock the young freshmen in front of a mass group of people? Not like I was ever the butt of one of these questions or anything.

Do you feel a yearning for acceptance among your peers?
Not so much a yearning. More of a hankering.

Do you have a difficult time relating to others?
Yes. Especially elderly Asian women.

Do you believe you have special extrasensory abilities (ability to "sense" a person's presence, for example)?
Extra wha?

Do you often find that your emotions are inappropriate for a given situation?
Nearly always, sadly.

Are you plagued by suspicions that other people, including loved ones, may be doing things behind your back that will end up hurting you?
Like holding a knife high above their head in the ever-so-popular "stab you in the shower" pose? Umm, not really.

Do others see you as being cold and distant?
Only when I visit the Northern most corner of Alaska. (Oh come on, that one was clever).

Do you find it hard to concentrate on one thing for a long time?
Hey, I'm hungry. Anyone know where I can get a good sandwich?

Is your appearance or behavior considered "eccentric" by other people?
If by eccentric, you mean "bald" then yes.

Have other people accused you of being cruel to animals or people?
Just a group of empowered youth who were picketing a leather store downtown last year.

Do you take actions without thinking about the consequences?
I'm not wearing any pants. Crap, I shouldn't have typed that.

Do you consider your needs to be more important to you than the needs of others?
Depends. I mean, let's say I was legally dead and the only thing that could possibly save my life would be the electro shock of some defibrillator paddles. Now let's say another person in the room was in need of a paperclip. In this particular scenario, yes, I would consider my needs to be more important.

Do your moods fluctuate a lot?
That's an interesting question. Why don't you put it in your butt! I wish the entire world could see the sadness in my heart. We are all but butterflies in God's little garden of herbs.

Do you always feel the need to have a story to tell?
Ahem. Blog?

Have you ever been in jail or done something that you could be put in jail for?
Sadly, yes. I grew up in Idaho and one wintery night a couple friends and I thought running around and kicking over snowmen would be a fun way to revel in our teenage years. Before I knew it I was handcuffed to a chair in the county jail. I was told my father had been called and that he could hardly contain his anger. I thought this a tad odd, since I'd never heard my father even raise his voice. When he showed up, I'll admit he was a little perturbed. Luckily, not at me, however. I remember him scowling at the police officer and asking, "What did he commit? Frosticide?" Point: Dad.

Do other people accuse you of being self-centered?
Why would they? I'm totally awesome and cooler than anyone.

Do you often second-guess yourself?
Sometimes. Well, actually never.

Do you find yourself exaggerating your achievements to win the respect of others?
Yes, but in doing so I have literally made hundreds of thousands of friends. All of which think I'm absolutely great.

Do you frequently alternate between feelings of high self-worth and self-disappointment?
Generally, no. I mean, I'm a pretty quality individual. Sometimes I completely suck though. But usually I'm the awesome.

Do you tend to lie a lot?
No, because I always cross my fingers behind my back, thus counteracting the hell and damnation that usually results in telling lies.

Do you often feel uncomfortable in social situations?
Ahem. Blog?

Does your concern for doing everything "right" interfere with your productivity?
Well, I've spent probably an hour making sure I've spelled everything in this blog correctly.

Do you have trouble not taking criticism personally?
Not when the criticism is about someone/thing else.

Do you feel the need to always be in a relationship?
Well, I'm married and that sorta comes with the territory. So yeah.

Are you quiet in social situations, often out of fear of saying something stupid?
Sadly, quite the opposite.

Have others accused you of being arrogant?
Only people who aren't as awesome as I am.

Are you very concerned with your appearance and how others perceive you?
I'm married and bald. I gave up on that a long time ago.

Do you engage in any obsessive or compulsive behavior?
Wait, isn't that bedroom talk?

Well, there you have it. If you didn't know me before, you certainly know everything there is to know about me now. I shall now conclude my introductory blog and begin my commute home. Besides, I just received a phone call from my wife explaining that our 15-month old daughter decided to "crap in the tub!" And it begins...