I voted.

About a week ago I saw a story on the news saying that over 11,000 mail-in ballots had been lost. Since I had requested a mail-in ballot and hadn't received it yet, I assumed mine was one of the lucky 11,000. Hailey had received hers, so clearly something was amiss, right?

Well, today is the last day of early voting here in Colorado. I still hadn't received my mail-in ballot and began to grow concerned thinking I'd have to fight the huge lines on election day next week. So I decided to head on down to my early voting location and tell them my story.

When I arrived, the line was already out the door. Easily an hour wait or more. I walked up to one of many very, very, very elderly people running the polling station and told him my dilemma. His hearing aid was wigging out, releasing a high pitch tone. I'm not sure he understood my problem, but he lead me past the giant line and into the voting area where he pointed to another very, very, very elderly woman sitting at a table.

I told her my story. She pointed to another very, very, very elderly woman sitting at a table that said STATION 3 above it. So off I went. Finally, this woman asked for my ID and began printing something off for me.

Suddenly, I had a ballot in my hands and was directed to the nearest booth to cast my vote.

But wait, what happened? I thought I was just trying to get some answers about my mail-in ballot. Instead, they just had me vote.

IN FRONT OF LIKE 75 OTHER PEOPLE IN LINE.


Total voting time: 12 minutes.

I have bling all up in my grill.


Yes, that's right. Last week I received a shiny gold tooth. I am now part gangster, part pirate. Arrrggghh homie.

Hailey isn't very excited about my new bling. But in time, she'll grow to love the true thug of the open seas I was always meant to be. Hailey, batten down the hatches and let's get raise the rizzoof, yo!

I survived the night.

As you can see from the previous post (below), last night was a challenge for me. But I'm proud to report that the sun came up and I'm still standing. Sorta like Elton John. I'm looking like a true survivor. Even after all this time.

In approx. 45 minutes, I will embark on my journey to the hospital. Once there, I will most likely be placed in a gown that freely exposes my backside. I will then hopefully be given some drugs to send me to La La Land. I hope I wake up to a smorgasbord of delicious food and good news. Stay tuned for updates.

UPDATE: 6:39PM
I'm just now starting to feel somewhat normal. I was pleasantly surprised this morning to learn I'd be the happy recipient of not one, but two scopes. One from down there and the other from DOWN MY THROAT! What the? Needless to say it was anything but comfortable. And while I was sedated, I was definitely aware of what was going on.

But I'm proud to report I survived. They took several biopsies so I'll learn of anything major in the coming week. From the naked eye, the report showed a generally healthy colon. They did, however, find something.

But they told me it's pretty minor.

A lot of people have it and it's something I shouldn't worry about.

Well, this ought to be fun.

Folks, the time has come for Steve Happens to do what all men are encouraged to have done - get a Colonoscopy. I would simply like to warn my sensitive readers that the next few posts will undoubtedly dabble in subject matter consistent with this venture. For those of you who are adverse to such material, I've provided a helpful, informative, and cautionary itinerary.

Today is the fast.

Tonight is the cleanse.

Tomorrow morning is the scope.

Tomorrow afternoon is the woozies.

Tomorrow night is the weird walk.


UPDATE : 7:04PM
I have begun the cleanse process. The kind folks at the Trilyte company gave me the choice of five delicious flavor packs. How sweet of them. After much debate, I finally settled on Citrus Berry.


Unfortunately, I've been duped. Citrus Berry doesn't taste like citrus or berry, let alone a delectable combination of the two. Instead, it tastes like rotten death. But, in all fairness, I can see why they didn't go with Rotten Death as the name. The cute cartoony image on the front of the pack would've been difficult to illustrate.


UPDATE: 7:30PM
Discouragement quickly settled in as I realized just how repulsive the formula really is and just how much of it I have left to drink. I have to drink at least eight ounces every ten minutes until the entire gallon is gone.



UPDATE: 7:47PM
Hailey just informed me that my breath is less than desirable.


UPDATE: 8:02
Hailey made up for her insensitivity by purchasing me some Charmin Plus. She may have a husband with bad breath (from fasting all day), but she certainly won't stand for a husband with chaffing downstairs.



UPDATE 8:48PM
Pearl Harbor is on TV right now. Josh Hartnett was just shot down by the Japanese. He is dying in Ben Affleck's arms. Strangely, I can relate. I know exactly what Ben is going through right now.


UPDATE 9:15PM
Bon Jovi said it best. "Whoa oh, we're half way there. Whoa oh, we're living on a prayer. Take my hand. We'll make it, I swear. Whoa oh. We're living on a prayer. Living on a prayer."


I feel like Bon Jovi himself is singing directly to me. He knows what I'm going through and his lyrics are going to get me through this and see me through to the very end. Thanks, Bon!


UPDATE: 10:02PM
C'mon Bon. Carry me through this. I'm hitting the wall.




UPDATED: 11:01PM
And in the end, only one was left standing. Only one walked out of the ring.

I'm Steve Happens and I approve this message.

I have to be honest here folks. I'm over all the political campaigning. I don't know if it's the fact that I can't go four minutes without seeing a political commercial or if it's the fact that the commercials are all saying the exact thing - "The person I'm running against is totally lame."

Now, I've never been interested in politics. In fact, I've only voted once in my life. And it was because Hailey made me. I also realize that voting is my civic duty and that I should probably do so. So, I am voting this year. But the last thing I want to do is get to punchin' out chads without having any real education or opinion behind said chad punchin'.

And the TV commercials aren't helping. They all sound exactly alike and say the same things. Everyone is bad. Everyone voted for bad stuff 93 times in a row. Everyone hates the middle class. Everyone will punch your kids in the face. Everyone wears ugly Christmas sweaters. On and on and on. So I'm basically left with the choice to only vote for bad people who make bad decisions and will ultimately crush my dreams. In a really bad way probably.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'm going to rise above all the mud slinging, the scandalmongering, the bad-mouthing and the you're a stinky doo doo head'ing. I'm going to base my entire presidential vote on the following three pieces of communication.

Fun, fun, fun!

Hey everybody, look what I get to do! Yipee!


No, this isn't an incidental double post. I had to do this test twice. The fun never ends!

Introducing the BabyMaker 3000.

Simply point your browser to BabyMaker3000.com to make your Volkswagen Routan baby. Hailey and I just made the official third installment to our family. Meet, Garth Joanne here.


Incidentally, I also had a baby with Wonder Woman.

Fun, fun, fun!

Hey everybody, look what I get to do! Yipee!